Have you ever wondered why you’re not getting that second date?

Alex Hitchens said it best, “No game. No guile. No girl.”

Hitch hit the big screen and inspired guys to raise their game and get the girl. However, fast-forward to 2019, and we’re stuck in a junior high montage of fearful men and confused women. I’ve seen too many male friends struggle to break through the friend zone and get to the next level. However, they’re stuck because they keep repeating the same mistakes hoping for different results. This is why I’ve decided to present you with a formula – 21st dating rules that will get you the girl.

In this article, you’ll find 5 reasons why you’re striking out in the dating sphere and winning at the friendzone.

If you’ve been crushing on your best friend, coworker, or barista on E 59th street, then take notes. I’ll get you to the point where women actually want to date you and not just give you a fake number. I want you to graduate past group hangouts and actually take that crush on that moonlit stroll.

Here are my 5 Reasons Why You’re Not Getting a Second Date. Memorize them, write them down, and make them a part of your daily habit.

1. You’re not asking.

Subtilty is adorable if you’re a timid adolescent writing poetry about your crush in Chemistry class. However, if you’re a grown man, then you need to be a grown-up and ASK. If you want something badly enough, then you will venture to the ends of the earth to attain your goal. If you want the best pizza, you’ll commute to Manhattan. If you want the next promotion, then you’ll work day and night. The same is true with dating. Too many guys want a relationship, but they’ve settled for multiple hangouts. It may be safe, but it will never lead you to the next level.

If you want to keep a woman in the friend-zone, then just keep making plans to ‘hang out’ with her.

If you want a relationship, then step up your game and ‘ask her out’ on a date.

This requires you to use the word “date” in a sentence. If you don’t, then she’ll friend-zone you and go out with your best friend.

2. You’re going out in groups.

Ok. This is the worst thing that you can do. Repeat this after me, don’t invite a woman to a group outing, If you want to date her. Write it on your bathroom mirror, memorize it by heart and make a vow to never do this again.

When you invite a woman out with a group, you automatically friend-zone her. She will call you brother, buddy, and bro. You don’t want to be here. Once you’re stuck in this pit, it’s difficult to get out.

If you really want to get to know her within a group, keep it small and single her out.

Talk to her. Ask about her interests. Compliment her character. Make her feel like she’s the only one in your sight, even if the room is filled to the brim. This will give her the chance to know you in a relaxed setting and get to know how you interact with a diversified crowd.

3. You’re moving too fast.

You’ve heard it said, “Rome was not built in a day”, the same is true for dating.

If you come on too strong, you come off as a player and not a pursuer.

Be yourself. Give her a chance to get to know your personality and sense of humor. However, make sure that you give just enough to keep her interested and not so much that she hands you a restraining order.

If you really want to get her to go out with you, then balance the conversation. Share about yourself and ask her about her goals. Don’t monopolize the conversation and tell her about your multiple trophies or the number of zeros in your paycheck.

Bragging is inevitable when you’re attracted to someone; however, bragging to the extreme just makes you look like a self-centered jerk.

RELATED: 6 Non-Negotiables to Look for As You Date

4. Your expectations are too high.

No one likes to feel like they’re being graded on a date. The biggest hurdle that is keeping you from a relationship is your inflated sense of self. If you look in the mirror at your pecks, more than you invest in others, then there’s a problem.

Too many guys look at women as a status symbol. They want a trophy that is equal to them. They want a woman who will make them feel better about themselves because they never became secure in their own identity. If you continue to plaster false expectations on your “potential dates”, then you’ll never get a real date.

I once heard it said, “There is no such thing as marriage problems, but single problems that people bring into a marriage.”

If you’re looking for a woman to build you up and support your fragile ego, then take a break from the search and book an appointment with a counselor. Take time to understand your insecurities, so that you don’t look to relationships to fix your issues. Own your issues, fix your mindset and then seek to become a healthy individual before becoming a couple.

This post was originally featured in LOUD Summit. 

Colleen speaks at numerous conferences, churches and colleges and challenges her generation to BE the CHURCH and put feet to their faith. Her passion is to speak with organizations and bridge the intergenerational gap. She consults with companies and helps them create teams that function from a place of communication and reach the millennial generation. She also is the Founder and Director of LOUD Summit – a young adult conference that engages the conservative, progressive and skeptic to pull up a chair and seek Christ. When Colleen is not studying for her DMin in Leadership and Global Perspectives at Portland Seminary, you can find her enjoying a nice Chai Latte, exploring NYC or traveling to a new and exotic destination.